I've been home for almost a week now. I typed this up to share my BATTLE SCARS AND WARFARE with the world. I wish I had stronger stories and more of a... surmount experience, but it's all I came up with.
*Notice*: There are many typos because I did not come back to proofread this. DISREGARD.
I'm up. My DC date. I've been crying buckets, or so it feels. I should have been writing, but my mind was racing and I couldn't catch up with it. Now it's lost.
I honestly feel like going home will be a disaster. It isn't so much that I'm not ready, but more so... things will just be the same. I don't know if they realize that it isn't ME that isn't ready; I'm just unstable and life sucks out of here and I won't care. I'm not even making sense right now. My stomach hurts too bad. I'll come back later. It's time for everyone to get up now.
I said I feel like I'm always going to be bored. I don't care about much and I don't know if I ever will. How to ever get up. "I want to tell you that it doesn't always feel this way." I feel so connected and understood talking to her. She says things in my head and expresses simultaneously as me. My perspective. I miss her even just the few hours of the day that I don't get to see her. I know she cares and gets it. I'm too attached. I have a slight feeling that I'm staying, because I'm suicidal with a plan, with access. It isn't about talking to someone about it; when I want to hurt myself, I don't always want to be stopped. I'll usually tell after.
My family session is coming up. ANXIOUS. AS HELL. I don't know what the first thing I'll eat when I get out will be. I have so many options. I just feel like I don't CARE. I don't WANT to do anything at home. I remember saying that anywhere is better than here, but really? Sigh. I remember West Oaks outpatient, being scared to go home every day. There is plenty TO do, but nothing. Emptiness. I don't care, I'm not interested. Not like there's anything to do here, but at least I was working. I was interacting. I could talk about anything. Now I'm going to be thrown back home where everything is going to be happening. All over again. I'm just scared. I wish my parents just never planned to get me out early...
28 hours left. Oh shit I'm FREAKING OUT. The thing is, I know once I leave, that'll be it. I only miss things in the moment. Same with others. Once I'm home, there's no more freaking out. I can't come back. But then that's something I'm scared of. I feel like searching for drugs when I get out. Weed to feel better, and Xanax to relax. I want speed and caffeine to lose weight and feel thrilled. I'm so desperate to FEEL, whether it's healty or not, real or false, superficial or genuine, GOOD OR BAD. The thing is, you see, I don't exactly have the desire to live. I want to do drugs to hurt myself, not only to feel good. I don't know how to start caring again. I need therapy really bad once I leave, but at the same time I don't really want it. I want to hurt myself and not be cared about. Yet at the same time, what I need is some sort of attention. My parents expect me to tell them everything, but I can just SEE that I won't. I hate being a disappointment to them. They care so much... and look at me. THIS is what I'm scared of.
I feel a little bit better today... I have more energy. I only feel bad when I'm standing and moving. Am I really that stressed? Where I can't even function? What am I thinking about so much? I feel just a slew of different emotions... anxiety and depression, mainly. I'm not having many issues with Fred right now. Perhaps because I hvaen't digested food in like five or six days, and he's satisfied enough to not screw with my head to intentionally starve. And I have no appetite to binge, at least not yet. If I'm still sick when I get home, I don't know when I'll ever gorge again. It'll have to be some time. I try to get my intakes to at least 1000, but I feel so ugh right now. I feel everything climbing up when I eat. What is wrong? eek. I need a frickin' IV. Crackers and Gatorade. Something. I'm sick of calories right now because every day is always hovering in the 500s. I got this new special plan thing where I don't look at cals, but nutrition instead, by servings of what I eat (fruits/veg, protein, fat, complex carbs + 200-300 cals of anything else). Sounds doable. I know I'll still calculate it all, but I'll focus more on nutrition... or try.
I just never thought this day would come. How will summer be, with my parents, as my desire for independence and friends increases? I don't want them around all the time, honestly. They think spending time with me and getting a dog is the cure for everything. I guess that's what support groups are for, so I get more... relative help. I want to see my friends a lot over the summer. I hope they're available. I'm scared to start school. UGH THINKING STOP.
I hate the nurse here. She's being informed by all my physical issues right now, and she doesn't give a shit and talk to me about it. All she ever tells people is to take some ibuprofen. Fuck that shit. That's why I don't bother telling her things.
12AM ish. What I need to write about is my mixed feelings for discharge. I realized that on a scale of 1-100, I'm 86% suicidal. Maybe not actively, or having intentions immediately... but the thoughts. I had a session during dinner. Good meal, really. Then I binged, to distract myself. Because food was available. Because it is my last dinner here. I've felt really depressed, pensive, and lost today. I have so much to say but I can't see a thing I'm writing. I'll continue tomorrow. I can't sleep worth a shit though. And if I do, I'm scared as fuck to get up.
2 days left. Today we're going to the health/science museum, and I kind of want to stay at the Center instead. Reason being is that if we're walking and moving a lot, I won't be able to stand it. My stomach hurts fucking BAD and it won't stop. Yeah, I'm strong and I can handle it, only if I'm sitting or laying down. PAIN PAIN PAIN. It really may be just that I'm anxious and stressed, cause if I had something bad in me it should have been out of my system by now. But this hasn't ever happened before, and I don't even feel like I'm too stressed... but I don't know. I just feel really sick. I don't think I have a fever anymore though. I need to go to the doctor and get an IV drip to refuel me. I'm so nauseated and in paaain. Oh well.
I wasn't able to go on the outing anyway, because I got a consequence for passing my food. I don't know why it's such a big deal anyway, if I'm not going to eat whatever it is.
MY. STOMACH HURTS. I don't even know what I'm puking up anymore. Nothing stays in my system. I need crackers and Gatorade. I wish I could run to the store and just go get some. I feel so miserable. Everything tastes so bitter and I keep getting this pressure/pain in my head when I'm standing. This all makes me feel HOPELESS because I can't do anything to make myself feel better.
Still feeling like crap. Thank god we're not going anywhere today. Still at 102. I hope my therapists get me today. Hopefully I don't bore them with sickness. My writing is so weak.
